My Father

Kids love their parents. Why? Because they are understanding. They are friendly and they can share anything they want to with them. I love my parents too. But my father? I'm scared of him to death. Sharing things? Oh no. I don't even tell him jokes. He'll ask me ye kahan padha. And then I'm gone. 

So why am I writing this? Because I know that the only person who'll read this will be you, papa. The day you'll read this, if you'll read this, you'll either lose it, call me mentally unstable and mannerless and compare me to Yashu Dadda Or you'll understand and maybe, things will get better for me. Who knows though. I don't know. 

Pseudo-modernist. Can I use this word? Because that is what you are in my opinion. Why? You see, this is the 21st century. 2021. You talk of technology and how important it is nowadays. You talk of youth and how smart it is. You know that 80% of the youth has a phone, right? Those fantastic children whom you give me example of, they have it? You know that? You took the old one I had away. And neither can I use mumma's. I am not that big of an idiot or a loser or a "doesn't know what's good for her" girl as you think I am. Just because I have an Instagram account doesn't mean I am a failure or a slut as you indirectly called me that day. Same goes for my friends on it. They are not fools. Or "berozgaar" "bekaar" as you call them. I talked to like 4 people. We talked of universities and colleges and future jobs and opportunities. Not everyone talks trash and flirts and starts affairs on the social media. I have this one person. Just one. I happen to be loyal. He's a school topper. Preparing for JEE. We hardly texted. Once in the morning. Once at night. But you think he's a cheater. If you think that way, I don't know then. You see, "you crave for the thing that is taken away from you". Now give me Soni Mausi ki betiyon ka example. I said " Taken away" not "never given". Those girls were raised that way. Soni mausi said, she never goes out, dost nahi hai, akeli rehti hai. Those must be good life skills, right? 

Also, can we talk about the way you speak, papa? Mujhse to rehne do, how do you talk to and about your wife? Then you say you're not like dadaji. I mean there's a manner of speaking. Leave it. I can't teach you papa. It's me who learns from you. But believe me, I'll never ever be the way you are. You told me dadaji used to say, "tere liye sabzi ka thela laga doonga". You say, " Tumhari shadi kara doonga". It's worse only if you think of it. Shadi mujhe karni hogi to kar loongi. But I want to become something. I want to earn. Alot. I have a lot of dreams and wants and I'll get them. Also, I can not live with you taunting me for not doing anything in life and god forbid my husband turns out to be like you. So don't worry, I'll be on my own and I'll do well. 

You remember papa when my 10th boards result came in and you said, "Congratulations. You have passed. " Pass hote hain 32% wale. I had scored 93%. I could've done better but believe me, I'll remember this till the day I'll die because I saw some kids whose parents' celebrated their 70-80%.

You don't let me go out. I cried on my birthday to go out. Remember you used to be out with your friends all the time when you were my age? Remember? Scooter rides, adventures? Now say ki tumhari hi bhalai ke liye hai. Really? 1-2 mahine mein ek baar bahar jane se insaan bekaar ho jata hai? You don't trust me at all. But still, I'll say it. I've never had alcohol, I've never tried drugs, never smoked. Nothing. Par nahi. I'm a loser. I know nothing. Wo jo mall pe ghumte hain? You call them berozgaar launde? Dhoka dena wali ladkiyan? Those are college/school students. They will be berozgaar. You aren't allowing me to do a part time job, wo kya hi karenge. And not all girls and boys are dhokebaz. It's just that some parents are very understanding. Just because he's a boy doesn't mean I am having an affair with him. 

This brings me to the topic of part time jobs. Why do I want to do it? Because papa asking you for money is like "apne paer pe kulhadi maarna". Why? Remember you said, " Maine kabhi apne baap se paise nahi maange". Good for you. But I need money. You know why, you were out with friends, having the time of your life. You were happy. I can't do that. So I look for happiness in materialistic things. This shirt, those shoes, that shampoo. This is why I want to do a part time job. Aur nahi hota mujhse ye sunne wala kaam. I'll do something. Anything. 5-6 hazaar milenge. My needs are like of 2-3 thousand. Baaki mumma ko bhej doongi because she's going through this for even longer. 

You ask me to study? Yes that's for my good. I know it. Par ye subah aake aise zor se curtains kholna, complaining about everything in my room, udhar nahi idhar baithke padho. What does this has to do with my studies. Bed pe baithu ya sofe pe ya table pe. What's the difference? I study, I study well. You don't have to doubt that. 

Call this a complaint list but it's just things I've had in my mind since forever. What did I ever do papa? Anything that is making you do all this? Why do you think I'm the worst kid in the world, ever? 

Why would I ever lie if you understood and appreciated my truth? 

I've said to myself, " Bas ek saal aur". Save all the money you want, talk as badly to me as you want to, behave this way. Trust me, once I'm out of here, I'm never coming back. Never. Atleast treat mumma nicely. 

If you'll want to scold me after reading this, then just ignore this. Think that I never wrote it. Because I failed. 

I'm sorry. I hope you'll read it. 

*he's not a bad person. He's my father and I love him. But sometimes things pile up in my head and hence, I decided to vent it out here.